you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Randomize
