I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
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