What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
