I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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