my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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