It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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