I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
my poor anus
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
