Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
