Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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