i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
