I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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