So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
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