Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Randomize
