I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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