the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Pants are for mortals
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
