Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Randomize
