i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
