we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
