sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
