So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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