"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I would fuck him just for his dog
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
