**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
