Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
