apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
