I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Randomize
