I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Randomize
