Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
