But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
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