all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
