Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
