I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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