I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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