You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
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