How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Randomize
