don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
