Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
Randomize
