You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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