he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Randomize
