Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Randomize
