Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
