My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
