The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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