i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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