I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
