Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
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