I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
