My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Randomize
