Where did you get a picture of my penis
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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