You're my little dorito
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
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