you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
