i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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