I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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